My husband and I are counseling a married couple, and they both have similar characteristics in family backgrounds; families are extremely influential and pushy. Easily controlled by the people in their lives. This couple has overcome many struggles and have learned to not be as easily influenced as they once were. The other day, they wanted to give up on counseling. Their logic for it was terrible lol, but regardless, they messaged me letting us know they didn't think they wanted to do it anymore. My husband looked at me and said, "You know you could talk them back into it.." and of course I could, easily, in a heartbeat... but my answer was "no." and here's why:
This couple can be easily manipulated. Now you might think "well marriage counseling is a good, godly thing that will benefit them" and you are right, it is. But, as leaders we must be very careful that we don't allow "good intentions" or "good reasons" to push us in the direction of manipulating others into what we want them to do. There are 2 major reasons why this is important.
#1. We are taking advantage of someone's weakness and vulnerability. I'm afraid that we forget sometimes that our job as leaders, is to make people stronger in Jesus. Stronger as individuals. We help them to strive to be holy and pleasing to God. Our job is not to control them and make them submit to us and our will. This happens way too often and we don't even realize we're doing it. We need to realize it friends, it's not okay.
#2. Our manipulation, does nothing for them in the long run. One day they will realize that we were just "one more person" in their life that used manipulation to get what we wanted. They aren't protected by our manipulation. They aren't safe with people who are willing to use their vulnerability. How will they learn to decide for themselves to follow Jesus and do what is right if others are manipulating and forcing that response in them?
Now, what can we do? We can motivate them to choose what they want. How?
#1. Speak the Truth
The best way to motivate someone, is to help them see the truth of the situation. This isn't about feelings, perceptions, or ideas... it's about the facts of the situation. Every Situation has facts. Vulnerable people and easily manipulated people often base decisions off of their emotions. Help them learn how to set their feelings aside in decision making and teach them how to look at facts. (The Bible comes in VERY handy here by the way!) If we are teaching people how to follow Jesus and make godly decisions, then bringing God into the mix is usually a good idea! yes?
#2. Help them see the "bigger picture".
Vulnerable people are usually "caught up in the moment", so remind them of their goals: Where do they want to be? What do they want to accomplish? What will it look like if they quit? What's at stake? What is to be gained? What does God want?
#3. Stop Coddling
Vulnerable people... usually seek affirming attention. They want to "feel" accepted, and although these are not bad things, they can be debilitating if they are not done in a healthy manner. As leaders, it is important that we encourage... but more importantly, we must help them to fix their eyes on Jesus; to seek His approval above ours. We must be very careful that we do not get in the way of this. We must be careful that we don't allow them to see us as their Savior. This is where tough love can play a part in our communication with the vulnerable. Stop indulging their excuses. Stop "understanding why they have" their bondages. Stop "excusing" their sin. Again, Jesus gives us a very clear picture over and over again of what it means to be a "Child of God." This is not a "personality" thing... there are "issues" that are keeping them from being who God is calling them to be. They have access to everything they need through Jesus and His grace to become exactly who He wants them to be. Stop indulging the excuses and help them see that it is their "choice" to walk in His grace or not. The Truth will always set them free.... if they will embrace it. Help them get there.
So I messaged the couple back, told them their excuse was terrible (truth) but if that's what they wanted then okay. Then they came back with what I call a "window of opportunity"... my husband and I prayed for them that they would make the right choice but I took the window of opportunity to push them... not to manipulate but to push them to see the seriousness of what they were choosing or were not choosing. In fact, it looks like I was trying to scare them into not doing counseling with us anymore lol, but actually, I was laying it out plainly, with the full weight of the seriousness of what was in store and what was at stake. My husband wasn't sure what they would do, but I was hoping they would rise to the occasion. Because what it would mean = they really wanted to work on their marriage. I had stripped all comfort away and left no room for coddling or laziness in the conversation. I told them how hard it was going to be and that we are not the type of leaders that will play games. That's a tough pill to swallow when you realize your leaders aren't interested in chasing after you. I laid it out... prayed.... and waited.
We resumed counseling that evening. It was good.
Motivation is a powerful tool leaders, because it places the decision in the hands of the vulnerable, to be better, to be in control of their own choices, to give them the achievement of doing what's right. A powerful tool and one that we should be using always.
Manipulation, only works for a short while. No one really wins..ever. It only births distrust. It becomes a stronghold. Before too long, it's all you know how to do. I've been around long enough, I've seen it. There are 2 types of leaders: Those who know how to motivate and those who know how to manipulate. One speaks life and one speaks death. There is a fine line between the two. A good leader knows where that line is and a good leader has a heart that seeks to build people up in their relationship with God, so it's not hard to stay on the right side of that line.
Let motivation be your goal friends, you won't always get the results with people that you want, you won't always get your way, and heartache will happen often as you watch people that you care about make poor choices, but your heart will rejoice more often than not as you watch the vulnerable, grow in Jesus, grow in strength, grow in godly decision making... all because you let them choose Jesus. You will never regret motivating someone to love Jesus with their life.... Never.
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